What do I really want to know?

I have started Module Three by reminding myself of what I really want to know from the inquiry. I've made a pretty long list, so need to be aware of time restraints, but having this to refer back to will hopefully keep me on track.
My inquiry title is "Does constant rejection from auditions affect our mental health and how can we cope with that?" This is directly linked to my practice as I continue to audition and teach simultaneously. Therefore I am hoping it will help me with the audition process, but also others who I present my project to and finally all my current and future students that I can share my deepened understanding and knowledge of the subject with.

Here is my list I made...

Module 3... Can you believe it?!

Module Three started this past Monday and I've been starting to work on getting the ball rolling with my inquiry. However, I firstly feel I have a lot of background work to do before I dive straight in to set the foundations. Before anything else I need to get my head back in the game - especially after a lovely long Christmas break!!
I decided to do this by reading all my notes, essays and feedback from Module One and Two and created a map of my learning journey over the past year. My findings were interesting as not only has my BAPP journey crystallised but so has my Professional Practice.
One thing I noted was that in Module One I was auditioning with little luck and doing 'emergency work' alongside so almost felt a little lost within my practice. However moving through Module Two and into Module Three, I am currently teaching full time and have a clear path of where my Practice is moving to as I have been accepted on a PGCE course. This clarity and reflection of my journey felt like a real lightbulb moment for me as it allowed me to realise how much I have learnt about my Practice from this course.
Secondly I discovered that all the theories I learnt in Module One which felt slightly irrelevant to my shop assistant job at the time are now things I use everyday in my practice. Web 2.0 is something I have improved my skills with dramatically and will continue to use through the rest of my career. Even in my interview day for my PGCE I had to demonstrate my competency with technology. Reflection is also now a huge part of not only my learning process but also my well being in life. I find it extremely therapeutic at the end of the day to note down what I've achieved, what I've learned from the day and how I feel about it all. Looking back on my reflective journal, it is a useful tool for my Module Three inquiry process. Finally the networks I discussed in Module One has become a huge part of my life as I am now using the networks I nurtured to carry out my inquiry!
Module Two was a learning curve for me in terms of my learning style. This style of learning is seeming to suit me more and more, as I feel I've grown as a student and learnt to merge my 'university work' with my 'teaching work' to see them as a whole professional practice rather than two separate entities.
In Module Three my path is clearer. It is still long, and I'm sure I will stray off it numerous times to discover new things, however, it feels good to know where I'm aiming to be and how I'm going to get there. I feel curious and ready to research and deepen my knowledge of my inquiry topic - lets go!

Module 2 Skype Session 17/11/18

Yesterday I joined a Skype session with Adesola and a couple of others from Module Two. It was really useful and opened my eyes to things I hadn’t previously thought about. The focus was based on ‘What if you can’t interview anyone’ and the ‘importance of analysis’.

One of the key things I learnt was to think about what you would do if you couldn’t interview anyone. What I thought this meant was using other forms of data collection techniques for example surveys etc but what it actually meant was what happens if you can’t speak to anyone to gather anymore information. This was when the penny dropped, and I realised this session was more about finding the background to your topic. Adesola described it as layers – finding out the background and culture of the topic is the first layer and then finding out other’s opinions is the second. Finding out the opinions of others would be useless without the first layer anyway! For example, you could be looking to do your inquiry based around disabilities in dance and wanting to push for initiatives to allow more people with disabilities to be able to dance. However, if you do the background investigation you would find this has already been implemented in a lot of places. That is just an example but clearly shows why finding out the culture of the topic is so important.

In order to do this, we can look at articles or blogs posted around the subject. Forums are cheating slightly as that is still finding out people’s opinions but have a look for movements or things that have been done or acted upon within your topic. Uncover the history of the topic. This will give us a better understanding of what more we want to find out from others.

Once we have done this and gathered our data we must remember that data is no use without analysis. For our analysis we are looking for themes that emerge within our data. For example, Adesola used my inquiry topic as an example and it really helped me understand. Whilst finding out about how auditions and constant rejection can affect mental health, for example, I could see a common thought from my participants that living outside of London puts a mental stress on them when it comes to an audition. They may be worried about taking the day off work, the trains may be delayed, or it may be a struggle to pay for the expensive travel. If this was something that kept reoccurring within my data I would say that there was a theme emerging about travel influencing mental health when it comes to auditions. Don’t forget, don’t take what we find in interviews as truth, we are not looking for an answer.

I hope this has helped anyone that reads this blog, it has also really helped me to crystallise it in my head. 

MORE Form Skype Session 05/11/18

Yesterday I joined in with the Skype session hosted by Adesola and Helen focusing on the MORE form. It was so useful for me as I found the form quite overwhelming and confusing at first, however now I seem to understand it a lot more. I hope this blog will help others that couldn't attend the session as much as the session helped me.

A few tips -

• Put (BAPP) in brackets at the end of the name of the project 
• Add your supervisors name so it can be sent to them for a signature
• If nothing else, read sections 1, 4 and 6 of the MORE form page on Unihub
• When you get sent back your form from your supervisor, if it says rejected it doesn't mean you've failed, it just means that you have notes to look over

I personally asked about how appropriate it was to reveal peoples ages an gender in my final inquiry project and Adesola raised a few points that got me thinking...

1. Why is it necessary to reveal this? Will it really add weight to my project at the end of the inquiry?
2. If you have to do more forms for the release of personal information you need to think about the impact of the participant having signed lots of forms before the research has even started. How may they feel about all the forms? Will this affect them and their answers?
3. Gender is a large topic to unpick as I would need to think about how they identify themselves as this may be different to how I perceive their gender. Am I allowing for people that don't class themselves as male or female. Adesola suggested she knows of lots of people that cannot be a part of research because they can't fit into a tick box. This was something I hadn't even thought about so made me really consider whether it was worth revealing the gender, and whether it has relevance to my inquiry topic in general. 
4. Age and gender if spoken about in the inquiry would first need to be explained and this is a big topic to unpick especially considering we only have 12 weeks to do it. You could not include the gender of someone without giving it some background and context firstly, and this may be too much to do within the time frame we have

All these points have made me consider whether I do want to reveal the age and gender, and how much this information will really add weight to my final project, or whether it will open up too many doors and create a project that is too large for me to deal with within the time scale.

I hope this helps some people and please feel free to comment your thoughts! 

Some thoughts on Ethics...

I have been doing a lot of work on researching Ethics but have written everything down in my notebook so thought I would post a quick blog of my summary of thoughts, guided by some of the questions from one of the tasks in the handbook.

Codes of Practice within my work place without referring to documents...
My workplace at the moment is doing freelance teaching in various different locations, however my topic of inquiry is based around auditions and mental health, which is another side to my Professional Practice. So although I did look into my assumptions about my code of practice within teaching, I thought it would be better to share my thoughts on Codes of Practice for auditions. I could also look into Codes of Practice for dealing with mental health within a work place - whether that be a theatre or a company, and also what Codes of Practice support networks like the ArtsMinds Charity have in place. Here is a picture of my initial thoughts about auditions...

I was surprised to see how many thoughts I had about Auditioners in comparison to Auditionees. Being and Auditionee myself I would have thought I would have known more about what is expected of myself, however, I had more thoughts about what I expected from others as that is what has an effect on me.

What are the Codes of Practice which steer the ethical framework?
I can compare my own thoughts with the codes of Practice that Equity have laid out about the Professional Audition Experience. Some of what Equity require seemed to me like it was obvious however there are lots of rules and regulations a Manager must follow when conducting a Professional audition so it doesn't have any negative effects on others. What I didn't see within the document was any legislation about how Auditioners and Auditionees conduct themselves Professionally, e.g. being respectful to one another, and not discriminating etc.

How does what I've learnt fit into the theoretical framework?
I have learnt that ethics are sometimes things we take for granted in everyday life, as I would say most people always think about whether their action will have an effect on another, however sometimes this can be overlooked. I am coming at this inquiry topic from my perspective, and my point of view, and I am doing this topic to find out what others think and how other people with different perspectives feel. I would like to find out how different people are affected mentally by the audition process and whether this has had a negative impact on their mental health. I would also like to find out how the people conducting the audition may be feeling and how the experience may have affected their mental health and what emotions were involved for them.

How does what you've learnt fit in with the ethics procedures for your inquiry?
Having said in the last paragraph that I would like to find out peoples emotions and feelings, I need to be very careful with this as this may lead to negative effects for people who are reliving maybe a difficult time in their lives. People in general find Mental Health a topic that is difficult to open up about so I don't want anyone to feel upset of affected by any research I am conducting. Therefore in my interviews and other data collection tools I will use, I want to steer the questions away from talking about anything Personal related to Mental Health, and keep the key topics mainly focused on auditions and the positive steps people take to recover from a bad audition experience, for example, the coping mechanisms they use to learn from their audition experience. As my interview will be semi-structured, if people feel they want to open up about mental health issues they have suffered due to auditions this method will allow them but I don't want to pressure anyone to feel that way. I also need to be aware of self-care. If someone offloads their negative feelings onto me in an interview, how will I take these away and deal with them myself? I am not a counsellor so I definitely don't want to end up with my interviews turning into counselling sessions!!

How does planning my inquiry relate to my professional practice right now?
As I said earlier, my Professional Practice right now is a mixture between freelance teaching and still auditioning. This industry and life as a Performer are very temperamental however one thing that is constant in most peoples lives is auditioning - even if it is auditioning for something you don't necessarily want to do. Planning my inquiry directly links to planning my lessons now for my classes, meticulously going over every detail to make sure I am fully prepared and know what I am doing. The same for when you are planning your audition - you go through every step of the day and make sure you have everything prepared so you can be the best you can possibly be. Which is how I feel the inquiry process is going - not leaving any stone unturned, and covering every aspect of my professional inquiry.

This blog feels slightly like waffle reading it back retrospectively, however I am going to keep it posted as it is all part of my learning process and getting my thoughts down on paper. Having said this - I have not included many of my thoughts on ethics here so will need to cross reference this blog and my notes when it comes to writing up my professional plan.

Theoretical Framework Thoughts...

How do I feel about 'truth' and 'certainty'?
Before I started this course, I would never have said I was certain about something, however I would have said that there are truths that can be found from research. For example, in school you learn about Quantitative research more than Qualitative in subjects like maths and science so it is natural for us to believe we can find a truth from research. In school you undertake projects that compare hard evidence and data for analysis, maybe data that you have collected or maybe data that you have found, and then you make a conclusion that is believed to be a truth. This is how I assumed this course would be. However, since being involved in this course I have questioned my previous beliefs, knowing that conclusions we draw upon are no more than the researchers interpretations, especially in qualitative methods of research. Every result you receive from your research has depended on many factors that if changed, may have affected the result. The arts lends itself to the idea that everything affects another, including the researcher being an insider researcher. This was something I hadn't previously thought of but when I read about the theory of a non-positivist approach that things do not exist independently, I realised that everything has an effect on everything. 

Do you feel that some of your beliefs have been derived from the practical application on your Professional Practice?

In a word - yes. I have based my inquiry around my experiences of auditions within this industry and how they can affect your mental health. Therefore, my beliefs about how we are affected by rejection, how we can deal with rejection and how we can move on from rejection are all based on my experiences of my Professional Practice. I am actually looking forward to completing the inquiry in Module Three to find out what others thing on this specific topic. 

Do your beliefs conflict with general assumptions you make on a day-to-day superficial level?

I'm not 100% sure about the answer to this question. My assumptions about mental health within the arts due to rejection and amongst lots of other factors are things that I guess I don't think about superficially on a day-to-day basis (before this project of course), so I guess its tricky to really cross examine my thoughts on this. I wonder how everyone else feels about this question? If anyone has any ideas on how I can develop my thoughts on this please post them in the comments below!

Have you been influenced by dualist notions? What do you think of embodiment?

Previous to starting this course, without realising, I was a strong believer in the theory of embodiment that sees 'mind and body' as one thing and having an impact on each other. This theory is very relevant to my inquiry as it is based around mental health. I have always believed the mind and body are closely linked and believe if the mind is not healthy the body won't be either. This directly links to when you go to an audition as a dancer. Depending on your mental state that day, whether you've had a bad month, bad week, bad morning, or whether you just missed the train, all of those things can negatively affect what your body can produce that day. No matter how much you can pretend you are putting on a brave face and trying to be the best version of yourself you can be, if you're in a negative mental state you cannot be the best you can be. So I truly believe that the mind can affect the body more than we know. 

Who in your inquiry can you elicit support from and what can you give back or share?

I hope I can rely on my Professional networks that I have nurtured over my career to help me during this inquiry. I will rely on them to take part in my research, but I would also like to research and meet new people, that I don't know as I may get different results from people I don't know and that aren't in my Professional Network as opposed to people who are. I will have an effect on the results as an insider researcher when I carry it out in module three and I need to be aware of this. On a personal level, I can use my friends, family and boyfriend as a support network for myself, especially as I am delving into a very sensitive subject for my inquiry. 

Today's Note to self - Don't forget to REFLECT in everything you do... (e.g be aware of pre-conceptions you may already have in your inquiry topic etc)

"The show must go on"

Something I have been 'wondering' about recently is the stigma "The Show Must Go On" and whether it is affecting our mental health in this industry. Has the stigma of putting on a brave face gone too far?

This 'title' occurred to me as I was delving into literature regarding mental health within the Performing Arts industry. What I did find was a lot of useful information if you ARE suffering with mental health issues and that lots of charities have recently been set up to help. For example Arts Minds Charity which I have posted a link to at the bottom of this blog, in case anyone would like to visit the website.

I personally believe that yes, the stigma has gone too far, and that people within this industry are taught and trained to keep smiling no matter what, and to leave your feelings at the door. Having done a lot of reading, many people seemed to use the analogy that if you had a broken leg, everyone would tell you to stay at home and rest it, yet if you have a 'broken mind', the reaction is not one of the same.

From doing research into the literature on the mental health within the arts subject, I have also found that there are many findings linking creative people to mental health issues, proving we are more prone to suffering. This is something I am interested in, however, think this would be a difficult topic to research for my inquiry as it is very science based.

One of the most useful pieces of literature I have found was a Podcast called "The 98%" which I have also posted a link to at the end of the blog. I would suggest this is worth a listen to ANYONE in the industry whether they feel down or up! Within this podcast they interviewed Annemarie Lewis Thomas who is leading the movement in discussing mental health issues in colleges more. Talking about rejection from auditions which I think is a huge issue to deal with in this industry, Annemarie suggests that "If people were well, they wouldn't be looking for self affirmation from everyone else". This is something I found really interesting as I had always wondered how in this industry we are meant to deal with constant rejection, and that this must contribute to people suffering in this industry. It is one small factor of many that I think contributes. But when I heard this I totally agreed with her. Maybe the day that I was so upset after I was rejected from an audition was because I wasn't well in the first place, and if I was, it wouldn't have affected me so much. This is something I really need to think on.

I am struggling to specifically find my real area of focus within mental health, and keep tossing and turning between different things. So I thought a blog might help me find what I naturally feel most comfortable and passionate about discussing. And also where the literature has lead me to something of interest.

http://www.artsminds.co.uk/
http://the98percentpod.libsyn.com/s1e4-1-in-3